For a whole week, I have eaten nothing but fruit and vegetables. I don’t like fruit and vegetables. I like vegetables more than I like fruit but I would really prefer to nosh on meat. So when I began forcing myself to eat fruit, I was a bit concerned that my body might reject this shit. But for a week, I’ve been eating like this…crunch, crunch. It’s so hard to eat that sometimes, I find myself with my cheeks full of vegetables (carrots and peas and whatnot) because it’s difficult to swallow this crap. But once I do swallow it, I feel the energy from the plant so that’s good I guess.
I’m trying to eat better. Carrots and cucumbers, pears and peaches will NEVER taste as good as burgers and fries but I really want to lose weight. Also, I’ve given up cheese, which I really used to enjoy. So I’m finding myself TOTALLY craving cheese. I’m not even sure what sort of cheese I want…just some sort of hard, flaky, delicious cheese. I was telling myself that this craving for cheese must mean I’m deficient in protein. But then I was like, “Nah. That’s redonk. You’re not deficient in protein, you just want some fucking cheese.
(dieting sucks big time),
Here’s what happened tonight:
I went to the bathroom and saw the color red. I was so hoping not to see that anymore, but there it is again. I was hoping it’s over forever. I want the days of stuffing bits of cardboard and cotton up there to be so far away from now. But instead, I saw red again, today, on Valentine’s Day. How romantic. (Sarcasm).
I thought about women all over the world and how seeing red is for them tonight. I thought about some young teenager who has been having sex unknown to her parent(s), afraid of a uterus full of a baby feeling extreme happiness and relief at seeing red. Or a pre-teen, excited and proud to see it for the first time.
Or the woman in her late 30s, early 40s, enduring IVF, devastated to see red again when that’s the last thing she wanted to see.
Or the woman on the threshold of 50, like me, who sees red and is just annoyed.
Gosh. There are so many women everywhere, each with a story. I pray for us! We all have our emotion with the red.
I just went outside so I could look at the moon. It’s so beautiful! It’s not quite full. I can’t remember if it’s currently waxing or waning…I’ve lost track. All I know is that it reminded me of when I was a kid of about 12. I used to take my dad’s binoculars, climb up onto the backyard shed, and gaze at it. It’s still the same beautiful moon. The time when I was 12 is so far away from now. That’s just so far away from now. But still, today, the moon is the same and so lovely. Still the same old mystical, luminous moon that captivated me all those years ago.